Elizabeth Lawrence

                                                   

  

                                                       I Love you Pops!

Here I am, back from a long absence of writing. So much has happened and so many new things have emerged.

They were all good... I'd like to accept them all as good for my own highest good and good of mankind. Of course, there were times when you analyzed some things if they were worth my time or money or effort or both or all of them.

I do always remind myself whether near or far, short or long, then and now or the future, this too shall pass... nowhere... now... here...

So is above... so is below...

So is inside... so is outside.

Last August, 2015, I had to come home to the Philippines a.s.a.p. My Dad has been ill and I have to be with him. I wanted so much to really take great care of him. My Mom already passed away ten years ago. I live in Bermuda and it's quite far but it never dawned on me that distance was a barrier. I have to see my Dad and be on his side.

I was so stunned to see him so thin, very frail and lost a lot of weight. I tried to hide my tears as I didn't want him to see me crying and started wondering what had happened to me, He was still very alert and aware, only his physical body was deteriorating so fast. He was so glad to see me. My brothers and sisters also came home to spend some time with him but not for long as they have to go back to Australia where they live and work. 

After they all went back, I was left by myself and my eldest sister and the housekeeper. The three of us stayed in the same house where my Dad was. I was rooming in with my Dad so I can keep an eye on him.

Total nursing care was what he needed for his daily activities. I bathed him twice a day, upon awakening and before going to bed. Thank God he had a very good appetite but even though he could eat that much, he was not really gaining any weight at all. Plus being bedridden was a little discomfort for him.

He was unable to move the way he was doing it before. He had to be turned every so often and he was very obedient. His skin was excellent except for his right ankle which developed a very small sore. Other than that, he had an excellent skin condition much better than most women that I have taken cared of before.

He liked listening to the Catholic radio station, prayed and celebrated mass through the radio. When he took a nap, I would turn on CD for church songs and he did enjoy them especially songs from Dr. Mike Murdock's CD.

He liked listening to my reading of his books. He authored more than thirty books and a lot more teaching pamphlets. He surprised me one afternoon when he read his book at the same time with me while holding the book in my hand and he was lying on his bed.

He read the title and continued on even though he didn't have his eyeglasses on. For me that was very remarkable knowing he couldn't read without his glasses on but was able to do it even with out them and far from him too.

I was really excited to see him progressing and I knew he was getting better. He was getting more talkative and responding very well. He slept most of the time but then again, I expected that and I let him do that so he could get more rest.

One day, after giving him a bed bath, I asked him if he wanted to get up in his wheelchair and go in the living room which he used to do when he was still in a better condition. He wanted to so I asked our housekeeper to help me out and so we put him on his wheelchair and wheeled him to the living room in front of the television so he could at least watch some programs which he used to do before he became bedridden.

He was enjoying staying up and I fed him while he was watching a short program from the television. After about thirty minutes, he asked to go back to his bed which we did do. Then, he fell asleep after.

For three months, that was his normal activities. From time to time he would have some visitors coming to see him. Some where families, relatives, friends, neighbors and mostly the members of his church ministry called GOA which stands for Gospel Outreach Alive. GOA is a National Catholic movement to spread the Gospel of the Lord and it is an organization of prayer groups, intercessory prayers and vigils, counseling and healing services, retreats and seminars and Lovers' Encounter sessions.

Since he took sick, he could not attend to any of these activities and he already had appointed somebody to take over the ministry.

One night while I was feeding him he was not taking in the food that well. Then he stopped responding and looked pale and ashy color. So we rushed him to the emergency room at the hospital. It was a good thing the hospital is just a stone throw away from our home.

He developed pneumonia at that time so he had to stay at the hospital My Dad, though he worked at the same hospital when he was younger, never been admitted to it nor any other hospital and never took any medications He refused to even see a doctor even more so taking medications.

After one week,, he had to be transferred to the ICU. That was the worst thing they have ever done. We could not see nor visit him as it was restricted. Sometimes, the staff would allow us to see him but sometimes not, even though we were already there at the door. Not even a chance to see him at all. That was why I knew he deteriorated faster that he should be.

Then he was neglected that he developed bed sores, blisters and wounds all over his body from the crown of his head to the soles of his feet. The worst part was that his small sore on his right ankle went so bad that it almost took the whole right foot off. Ir went so gangrenous that I almost shouted with anger and feeling of sadness for my Dad.

Oh! I don't even want to remember it but I just have to write this down and describe how bad his condition was when he was at the ICU. He was a total wreck and one has to see him and his total condition to believe what I am describing here.

He spent one week at the ICU with all the tubes attached to him and then he was transferred to the ward and spent a week there too. He was in such a terrible condition much worst than before. It was the worst thing that ever happened to my Dad.  I did not want to criticize, complain nor condemn anybody but I just could not accept the fact that he was treated so bad for him to experience neglect.

After a week he became so weak and just unable to respond with ease. On Monday, November 16, 2015, I gave him a full bath while he was in bed and shampooed his hair as well. Then, I did his dressings all over his body. All the bony parts of his body had sores on them.

I could not imagine how my Dad was feeling at that time. He was not complaining at all even though I knew he was in too much pain. He was just lying there and absorbing everything. When I was finished with his dressings, we prayed together, sang him with church songs after praying and stayed there for awhile until my reliever came. 

He was still up at that time. Then I said goodbye to him and told him I would be back the next morning. He looked at me and said yes. And then I said, "I love you Pops!" Then I kissed him. And he said, "I love you too." Then I left that night and went home.

The next day, early morning, we were called to come to the hospital right away so my eldest sister and I went. My Dad is deteriorating fast and by this time the NGT was spewing blood through it so they have to stop feeding him through it. That means he hadn't had anything to take since I left the night before as he actually regurgitated everything that was given to him that night.

He looked so helpless and very weak and pale. His blood pressure was getting lower though he didn't have any fever at all and his oxygen level was getting lower as well.

The doctors and the nurses were monitoring his condition and the vital signs were fluctuating. More and more people came and his room was getting fuller and fuller, mostly with the GOA members.

By this time my Dad was unresponsive though he was still breathing and I knew he could still hear everything and very aware of what was going on in his room though he was not responding.

His condition was just not getting any better. Still his vital signs were being monitored closely. It was so hard emotionally for everybody and I knew it was more so with my Dad. The whole day was just a complete fear and apprehension not knowing what was going to happen.

For the meantime. more and more people came till no more place in the room for anybody to come in so that others would just leave and make room for others when they came. Everybody was praying and singing church hymns and the songs my Pops wrote. He also wrote a lot of songs.

The whole night was pretty much the same until the next day. My sisters and I went home that night and left my other sister and other members of GOA staying with my Dad at the hospital.

The next morning, my eldest sister and I rushed back again to the hospital. The room was loaded with people and everybody was crying. I approached my Dad and told him that I was there with him and kissed him and said again, " I love you Pops." He did not respond. I didn't know if he heard me but I knew and I felt it that he did.

The doctor came in, ran the ECG and without saying a word gave me the paper result. When I looked at it, I already knew the result. So I just busted out crying so loud and called him over and over. Thus everybody cried even more.

My Pops was gone. This was November 18th, 2015 at 9:30 AM.

I felt like my whole life was gone too. I still could not believe that he was gone. I knew he was happy to go and be with the Lord and with my Mom. I also knew that they were both very happy now being with each other.

It was a long and emotional awakening for me. I still could not accept the fact that my Dad was gone. I just could not make myself to believe that.

It's too hurting even while I'm writing this now. I'm having a difficult time finishing this as I have been thinking about my Dad and how he had suffered a lot because of his illness that could have been prevented.

Maybe... maybe not... The Good Lord knows and I do know He sympathized with me and understood how I was feeling then and how I am feeling now.

If not for Him, I do not know what I am going to do right now. It was too much for me to really accept and adjust to the fact that my Dad was gone... but he was.

I really thank God for holding me up and guiding me and be with me in every way. He is such an awesome and understanding God. He is so merciful and know that He loves us all no matter what or who we are.

My beloved Pops, I love you! I just wished we spent more time together... I know you are watching me now and guarding me.

Thank you ever so much for everything... everything you have been to me and to us... everything you have done for me and for us... and everything you have given me and us... for me and for us...

I love you more and more Pops. Good bye for now Pops... till I see you in heaven...